My New-Found, Free-Writing, Anti-Scholastic Freedom

Now, a scholar would know that the worst thing he or she could do for his or her career is to free-write late at night and then post it on the internet. To my once dream of being a biblical scholar, I say pooh. Here is my free-write, and here I take my stand on quite a number of issues that I was always too academically unwilling to stand a stand on before:

I believe in miracles and I believe in angels and demons. I believe there is actually a God who hears me and can help me in my weakness. I believe that Jesus Christ did come to this earth, and he was everything which he claimed to be, that is, the Son of God. I believe Mohammad actually came to this earth and was led by God to start a new religion. I believe that Joseph Smith came to this earth to create a new religion. I believe that no child is born except through the intricate crafting of God. I believe that there is nothing that happens without God commanding it to happen. I believe that maximalistically, the Book of Job accurately represents God’s sovereignty over humanity. I believe that God cares about each person in this world and is grieved when there are two people in disharmony. I believe that God has a more accurate view of shalom than humans do, knowing that although there are glimpses here and there, the only true and lasting peace comes from who God is and through the ordinances which he has given. Although many “sins” are actually natural expressions of human weakness (e.g. insecurity, fear of others), any perfect peace can only come when those human weaknesses are made strong again. That is to say that even if all “sins” stopped, there would not be peace. Brokenness and peace cannot coexist. When Christ comes again, he will bring peace as he promised. The lion will truly lie down with the lamb and there will be wholeness, that is, the right order of things. Although I am concerned primarily with what others think of me, God is concerned with the part of me that is broken, the part of me that needs to be fixed. Although I try to repair myself with love, thinking that I can love myself vicariously through someone else’s love for me, I have become deceived. I have worth because God has given me worth, because he intricately designed me and fashioned me in my mother’s womb. He gave me a name and told me that he was pleased with me. I believe that in order for us to overcome sins, we need to see the world as God sees the world. We have to know that abortion is wrong, because children should be born to a family that will care for them and nurture them. We have to know that lying is wrong, because self-promotion is less important than community. We need to know that fellowship lies at the center of God’s desire for this world and we can either enrich the community and the family, or we can rob the community and abandon the family. As a child who was abandoned, I realize that a fractured family carries around its neck (like a millstone) all of the brokenness that this very world carries. I believe that the only way to recover from this mess is to repent. It is to repent on your knees to God, display your repentance openly and allow God to make the change in you that He has wanted before you ever fell and broke yourself. You see, The Fall is only a representation of a life spent to promote yourself. Christianity is not a mathematical formula, and I am almost sure that a substitutionary atonement is not mathematical. God I am sorry that I am so slow to learn. I cannot apologize that I am so hurt and broken, because it was the hurt and brokenness in others that did it to me. It wasn’t you though. I am sorry that I am so slow to trust. So quick to project my love onto others, so slow to close my eyes and analyze the roots of the matter. 

Sticking Up for Someone... a thought

Personally, I have a problem when people publically embarrass someo¬¬ne for publically embarrassing someone else. Let me paint the situation. Today, I sat next to one friend who told another friend to “Shut up!” What did I do? I let it bother me for several hours without saying anything, and then I gave him a phone call and told him he needs to be more respectful. In so doing, I believe I kept a few important things in mind: his dignity, her dignity, and their relationship. Sure, I could have stuck up for her in that situation (as most decent fellas would), but, (1) that was the first time something like that had happened; and (2) if I think about the issue at heart, it doesn’t involve me as much as it does him and his past, and his and her relationship. If I really care about him, it is more effective to mention it privately. It is appropriate to defend those that are being bullied without forming a counter attack.

Now, there are exceptions to this general guideline, i.e. “the bullying and not the bully should be stopped”. I will provide one: the repeated offender. The second time something happens, you oculd say, “Hey, man, we talked about this. Cut it out.” Automatically, the bully (who most of the time is just over-excited) will examine his words and be more careful.

Gollum Complex

You know, it's been a while.

If I asked myself a question I certainly possess the ability to answer myself. That's actually how my conception of God most often looks--I think something, God responds. I think something else, God responds. Yea... Hold the phone.

1. Isn't this a Gollum psychosis?

2. Perhaps I, in my reasoning, have dichotomized my reasoning self into two parts: Wisdom and Folly.

3. Perhaps, I respond back as though I need the wise part of myself to retort, as though I need a balanced answer before I can make a decision.

4. Isn't this pathetic?

I would feel so much better about myself and my intellect if I just denied the existence of God outright, declared myself insane, and got a psychoanalyst to fix me; but I realized something. My rational thinking ability would writhe in pain for years to come. I have trained myself to retort with the God-half of my reason (which, by the way, hardly ever initiates conversations; it's normally the me that wants to "act up" complaining about why he can't do what he wants to do) and if I tried to do away with it, I doubt I could ever come up with a reasonable conclusion. I'd think that I was just over "godding" my conclusion.

Why when I am feeling sorry for myself does it always come back to the existence of God? Not even the goodness of God, but his very existence?

When I pray, should I receive an answer forthright? Is that the way it works? Is this a "lack of faith" or whatever Christians are so quick to stick a label upon?

p.s. Sorry it's been so long.

Reflections

The world spins so fast, especially when you grow fond of a particular moment, but I'm glad that things progress and people move on.

This past year has been so challenging for me emotionally, but I've at long last found good in it. Suffering and pain, I believe [because of our fallen nature], are among the only ways to get head knowledge into your heart. I haven't always had this perspective. Not my point... yesterday I was able to reflect and play my guitar for 3 hours; for me, to play the guitar is to reflect. I write songs, which grasp not only my words but my heart's melody. Taking this into account, and the fact that I have countless songs--sometimes, I clearly over-dramatize situations.

Just because almost every song I've written since coming to Gordon has been about a stupid situation with an amazing girl, I've realized this cannot consume me. I know God works out His will. I've realized that only "he that loses his life will find it again." I know that God's purposes are made clear when we let go of our attachments. I've resolved in my heart to become estranged, at least emotionally, with her. She's found new friends? Perfect! Now I can sort out my own heart.

And honestly I say this now (about turning around feelings of broken trust for the good), but this year has sucked. I've certainly had to become sensitive to another's wants and aspirations, her perception too.

Sometimes I reflect, and frankly, I wouldn't have changed a thing.

Why do betray my own interests?

Nobody really knows this at this point, but it's looking like each day my likelihood of returning next semester is slowly dwindling. My vision is slowly dwindling each day. I know that the type of person that likes to make himself vulnerable and ask for help, nor I am the person to offer my services if I do think they're wanted in any way shape or form. It's the reason I never joined the worship band in church--I showed up once but felt unwelcome and didn't go back again. Is this a manifestation of pride? I'm sure it is.

I don't know if there's a small part of me that doesn't want to fit in and thus I ostracize myself. I naturally make friends and become popular, so I act weird sometimes because I subconsciously want to drive people away from me? I don't know? It's so hard trying to psycho-analyze myself. Is it a lack of motivation that has caused me to allow opportunities to slip between my fingertips? Because only later do I realize that I may have wanted to participate in the program other people are getting accepted in. I don't know if there is a simple "do this" solution.

....to-do's

I think I have a very small to-do-list. Not that I don't have dreams, I just have a small list of things I actually want to "become."

I want to live in purity,
I want to eat a balanced diet and exercise regularly,
I want to have time for friends, family, and God,
I want to fall in love with with my work, with the Scriptures, and love what is right,
I want to be on a regular sleeping schedule (more of a short term goal, haha),
I want to develop my character in a structural way,
I want to create time for music and drinking tea

Really, I bet if everyone thinks about it, their to-do-list is a lot shorter than they think. I have a lot of selfish desired pursuits (like being an author and prolific artist) but the paths of those pursuits are only made known to one who has cultivated his or her character, which really is what my list is about: being more balanced as an individual, making my character known (rather than my wacky dare-devilish tendencies), and becoming one that others can lean on.

..the hard truth

personal growth is the deepening of one's character... right, well, if we take all things as a means to deepen our character and a chance to deepen (enrich) the character of those we interact with, how much better will we be as friends... This isn't exactly my point; I would like to say that I am learning to keep God first in my relationships and use my character as a means to be an encouragement to friends (cuz life is hard enough as it is). Sometimes we have to overlook unfulfilled self-interest and act as servants (not just with people but with things like work).

I'm really starting to realize how important it is to be honest. People aren't the same and people really truly struggle. People can help you grow and I am starting to allow the things around me to not only facilitate growth, but to help affirm my identity. One of my biggest struggles is being honest; it's bending the truth/embellishing and it's holding back key information (thus changing the meaning of what I'm saying). That's me. It's my struggle and it;s part of the wonderful mess that is me. However, the thing is, I'm moving forward (something taking two steps back to advance one lol).