If I asked myself a question I certainly possess the ability to answer myself. That's actually how my conception of God most often looks--I think something, God responds. I think something else, God responds. Yea... Hold the phone.
1. Isn't this a Gollum psychosis?
2. Perhaps I, in my reasoning, have dichotomized my reasoning self into two parts: Wisdom and Folly.
3. Perhaps, I respond back as though I need the wise part of myself to retort, as though I need a balanced answer before I can make a decision.
4. Isn't this pathetic?
I would feel so much better about myself and my intellect if I just denied the existence of God outright, declared myself insane, and got a psychoanalyst to fix me; but I realized something. My rational thinking ability would writhe in pain for years to come. I have trained myself to retort with the God-half of my reason (which, by the way, hardly ever initiates conversations; it's normally the me that wants to "act up" complaining about why he can't do what he wants to do) and if I tried to do away with it, I doubt I could ever come up with a reasonable conclusion. I'd think that I was just over "godding" my conclusion.
Why when I am feeling sorry for myself does it always come back to the existence of God? Not even the goodness of God, but his very existence?
When I pray, should I receive an answer forthright? Is that the way it works? Is this a "lack of faith" or whatever Christians are so quick to stick a label upon?
p.s. Sorry it's been so long.
The Wisdom part of me after publishing this did two things. 1. It felt bad about posting this on the internet, and 2. It asked the question, "How, Kyle, would you have me answer your prayers?"
ReplyDeleteAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.