If I asked myself a question I certainly possess the ability to answer myself. That's actually how my conception of God most often looks--I think something, God responds. I think something else, God responds. Yea... Hold the phone.
1. Isn't this a Gollum psychosis?
2. Perhaps I, in my reasoning, have dichotomized my reasoning self into two parts: Wisdom and Folly.
3. Perhaps, I respond back as though I need the wise part of myself to retort, as though I need a balanced answer before I can make a decision.
4. Isn't this pathetic?
I would feel so much better about myself and my intellect if I just denied the existence of God outright, declared myself insane, and got a psychoanalyst to fix me; but I realized something. My rational thinking ability would writhe in pain for years to come. I have trained myself to retort with the God-half of my reason (which, by the way, hardly ever initiates conversations; it's normally the me that wants to "act up" complaining about why he can't do what he wants to do) and if I tried to do away with it, I doubt I could ever come up with a reasonable conclusion. I'd think that I was just over "godding" my conclusion.
Why when I am feeling sorry for myself does it always come back to the existence of God? Not even the goodness of God, but his very existence?
When I pray, should I receive an answer forthright? Is that the way it works? Is this a "lack of faith" or whatever Christians are so quick to stick a label upon?
p.s. Sorry it's been so long.
