Gollum Complex

You know, it's been a while.

If I asked myself a question I certainly possess the ability to answer myself. That's actually how my conception of God most often looks--I think something, God responds. I think something else, God responds. Yea... Hold the phone.

1. Isn't this a Gollum psychosis?

2. Perhaps I, in my reasoning, have dichotomized my reasoning self into two parts: Wisdom and Folly.

3. Perhaps, I respond back as though I need the wise part of myself to retort, as though I need a balanced answer before I can make a decision.

4. Isn't this pathetic?

I would feel so much better about myself and my intellect if I just denied the existence of God outright, declared myself insane, and got a psychoanalyst to fix me; but I realized something. My rational thinking ability would writhe in pain for years to come. I have trained myself to retort with the God-half of my reason (which, by the way, hardly ever initiates conversations; it's normally the me that wants to "act up" complaining about why he can't do what he wants to do) and if I tried to do away with it, I doubt I could ever come up with a reasonable conclusion. I'd think that I was just over "godding" my conclusion.

Why when I am feeling sorry for myself does it always come back to the existence of God? Not even the goodness of God, but his very existence?

When I pray, should I receive an answer forthright? Is that the way it works? Is this a "lack of faith" or whatever Christians are so quick to stick a label upon?

p.s. Sorry it's been so long.

Reflections

The world spins so fast, especially when you grow fond of a particular moment, but I'm glad that things progress and people move on.

This past year has been so challenging for me emotionally, but I've at long last found good in it. Suffering and pain, I believe [because of our fallen nature], are among the only ways to get head knowledge into your heart. I haven't always had this perspective. Not my point... yesterday I was able to reflect and play my guitar for 3 hours; for me, to play the guitar is to reflect. I write songs, which grasp not only my words but my heart's melody. Taking this into account, and the fact that I have countless songs--sometimes, I clearly over-dramatize situations.

Just because almost every song I've written since coming to Gordon has been about a stupid situation with an amazing girl, I've realized this cannot consume me. I know God works out His will. I've realized that only "he that loses his life will find it again." I know that God's purposes are made clear when we let go of our attachments. I've resolved in my heart to become estranged, at least emotionally, with her. She's found new friends? Perfect! Now I can sort out my own heart.

And honestly I say this now (about turning around feelings of broken trust for the good), but this year has sucked. I've certainly had to become sensitive to another's wants and aspirations, her perception too.

Sometimes I reflect, and frankly, I wouldn't have changed a thing.

Why do betray my own interests?

Nobody really knows this at this point, but it's looking like each day my likelihood of returning next semester is slowly dwindling. My vision is slowly dwindling each day. I know that the type of person that likes to make himself vulnerable and ask for help, nor I am the person to offer my services if I do think they're wanted in any way shape or form. It's the reason I never joined the worship band in church--I showed up once but felt unwelcome and didn't go back again. Is this a manifestation of pride? I'm sure it is.

I don't know if there's a small part of me that doesn't want to fit in and thus I ostracize myself. I naturally make friends and become popular, so I act weird sometimes because I subconsciously want to drive people away from me? I don't know? It's so hard trying to psycho-analyze myself. Is it a lack of motivation that has caused me to allow opportunities to slip between my fingertips? Because only later do I realize that I may have wanted to participate in the program other people are getting accepted in. I don't know if there is a simple "do this" solution.

....to-do's

I think I have a very small to-do-list. Not that I don't have dreams, I just have a small list of things I actually want to "become."

I want to live in purity,
I want to eat a balanced diet and exercise regularly,
I want to have time for friends, family, and God,
I want to fall in love with with my work, with the Scriptures, and love what is right,
I want to be on a regular sleeping schedule (more of a short term goal, haha),
I want to develop my character in a structural way,
I want to create time for music and drinking tea

Really, I bet if everyone thinks about it, their to-do-list is a lot shorter than they think. I have a lot of selfish desired pursuits (like being an author and prolific artist) but the paths of those pursuits are only made known to one who has cultivated his or her character, which really is what my list is about: being more balanced as an individual, making my character known (rather than my wacky dare-devilish tendencies), and becoming one that others can lean on.

..the hard truth

personal growth is the deepening of one's character... right, well, if we take all things as a means to deepen our character and a chance to deepen (enrich) the character of those we interact with, how much better will we be as friends... This isn't exactly my point; I would like to say that I am learning to keep God first in my relationships and use my character as a means to be an encouragement to friends (cuz life is hard enough as it is). Sometimes we have to overlook unfulfilled self-interest and act as servants (not just with people but with things like work).

I'm really starting to realize how important it is to be honest. People aren't the same and people really truly struggle. People can help you grow and I am starting to allow the things around me to not only facilitate growth, but to help affirm my identity. One of my biggest struggles is being honest; it's bending the truth/embellishing and it's holding back key information (thus changing the meaning of what I'm saying). That's me. It's my struggle and it;s part of the wonderful mess that is me. However, the thing is, I'm moving forward (something taking two steps back to advance one lol).

indoctrined?

Of late, I have found myself amidst so many discussions regarding Christianity, or rather theology, which in one way or another affects one's faith. I cannot for the life of me understand how people can get (1) so worked up over meaningless dogma, and (2).... uh, yeah it's basically just (1).... Evidently when someone has been indoctrinated by a belief that did not originate in his or her own brain, he or she is more likely to become angry when the validity is brought into question...perhaps the inability to defend an argument is not always a sign of indoctrination, but it's a good clue.
I believe that there is very little evidence, which reveals the origins of a thought. In John 1:3 the Bible says, "Through Him all things were made; without Him nothing was made that has been made." This suggests that there is a lot more "common" divine inspiration that one may have once thought. Also, since creation, many things have been corrupted, which suggests that many thoughts have demonic influence as well. Just something to think about next time you get into a "meaningless" argument...

judged by questions

Am I quite different from you? I think not. Abraham Lincoln once said, "I don't like that man. I must get to know him better" and I advocate that mentality. I don't like the conclusion of "I dislike or I hate" because there is such a now-and-forever vibe that it sends. A closed mind is unable to understand points of view quite different from his own... and here's the catch22: if you do something yourself in full knowledge that someone does it differently, you assume that their way is lesser than yours (which is not always a bad thing). However, I like when people try things new and they are willing to ask questions rather than make opposing statements laced with rejection.

I like when someone will listen to me speak rot just to lend ears to my voice... and I love when people try to figure out the reason why I believe the things I do rather than telling me I am wrong. Subjective truth is not absolute truth and many things are debatable; I get it--just don't be so ready to jump down someone's throat, because clearly if you were really listening, you wouldn't object so quickly. Just a thought for the day, something I've tried to put into practice to-day.